Cloverfield (7)

Yes, this is a title frame of the film - its of a home film now owned by the armed forces.

This is a documentary like, home movie amateur shaky filming horror. Like Blair Witch Porject, I guess (I've not seen it). But don't be put off, it is surprisingly good, a definitely enjoyable 7.

While a bunch of 20-somethings are filming the farewell arty for their Rob rob, Manhattan is attacked by a Godzilla-like monster. The ensueing running and stumbling and dodging and searching and rescuing friends and handy-cam filming make up the rest of the film. There is no explanation for the monster; this is simply a story about a small group of friends who try to flee the terror and escape Manhattan while the ared forces try to deal with the monster. As the city gets more and destroyed, they run and get terrifyingly close the to the beast. That's pretty much it... except...

except... that it is actually quite a jump inducing, gripping horror. Perhaps because of the empathy of the helpless main characters is so well built up, perhaps because there is no pseudo-scientific poor explanation foisted upon it, and also perhaps because of it's rough real-world handy cam filming, it is a "believable". But the thing that it lacked, the main thing, was something for me to ponder - it's an action and thrill but it's also a no brainer.

Some of the things I find that I miss is at least some steady cinematic shots and at least a little climatic musical score (the only bit is at the closing credits). That's a shame because it is pretty good, but perhaps the handy-cam realism got in my way a bit too much.

Rambo (6)

Were all Rambo films like this 2008 new one - a do-good too-good guy goes berserk with a bazooka and bullets? I think that they might have been. And the old formula is carried out surprisingly well in this film, 6 - it picked once the action really began.

John Rambo is living near Burma, hiding from the world and is hired by a bunch of stupidly naive christen to smuggle them into Burma to bring in medial help. A civil war there where a despotic warlord kills people for sport is what the land they go up river into. Days latter Rambo is hired to join a group of mercenaries to go and rescue them because, well, the village they were in was massacred and they were captured. That's the first half of the movie. Everything after that, is war action with Rambo doing what Rambo does, scream and kill everyone one.

The rest of the film, is fairly gruesome bloody battles. But also, in a strange way that gruesome shouldn't really be, exciting. The action, and nothing else, is what makes this film work. Everything else, is awful drivel. Such silly things such as the medics preaching, and one having been there before being so naive is very off putting. The bad war lord being made extra bad by being a paedophile too, the almost comic collection of mercenaries and Rambo's soliloquies that made me clench my teeth in piteful pain ("You didn't kill for your country, you killed for youself" etc) also made me stop watching the film!

If you don't like blood and guts and war, or if you want an interesting plot and characters, then stay well away from this film! If you want "junk cinema" for a rainy day that wont tax your brain at all, then this is it.

Mark your diary

Something that many many films do, is predict the future. So here is the future awaits us.

2008-04-03

The Reaper Virus starts killing most people in Scotland. By June Scotland is walled off from the rest of the world and everyone left to die. The remaining survivors turn into Mad Max or renaissance medieval castle dwellers. So no change then ;) From Doomsday.

2200
In the final decade of the 21st century, men and women in rocket ships landed on the moon. By 2200 AD, they had reached the other planets of our solar system. Almost at once there followed the discovery of hyperdrive through which the speed of light was first attained and latter greatly surpassed. And so at last mankind began the conquest and colonisation of deep space. From Forbidden Planet.

One that that will really annoy space travellers who have been travelling for years and decades... is being passed by faster than light travellers!

2309-03-16
Robbie The Robot is welcomed by people at the Chicago Space Port. Dr Greenhill of the Stoneman Institute Of Mathematics made a time machine and saw this, but nobody believed him because he went mad. Wait around 300 or so years and we'll see. From The Invisible Boy.

The Invisible Boy (5)

I'm a bit confused because on the DVD was printed the title The Forbidden Planet, but when it began, it turned out to the The Invisible Boy. I grew up watching Disneyland-ish B-scifi-horror and I hoped that this would be of that ilk. Probably this was one of them - a film for young kids who are into computers, space, robots would love this, I can see that I would have loved it. It's a 5, but really only for nostalgic reasons.

In the space age of the late fifties, cars had fins and unbelievably spongy suspension, moms wore makeup for dinner and dads taught their sons maths. But this kids father was a scientist who let the "most powerful computer in the universe" teach his son. The kid learned to fix the Robbie The Robot and after some childish hijinks (the lowest part of the film including invisibility) the story really develops. The computer reprograms Robbie, to help it get into the safety of space aboard a rocket. The computer has also been lying and making itself so smart, that it has become sentient and is fighting for survival of itself, by implanting controllers into humans. It must be stopped!

Luckily for humanity, Robbie The Robot cares too much for the kid and can't torture him to make his father give the computer control of atomic power. After some reprogramming, Robbie is back to normal, and the family is reunited and the computer conquered.

This is a classic. Of course the effects are bad, the story at times childish and the science unbelievable, but the charm and naivety are the best part. And just think, in 50 years time we'll back on the Terminator and Matrix in the same way. Wonderful, I can't wait for it.

Psycho Beach Party (3)

I don't get this movie. If was meant to be a comedy, there weren't enough jokes. If it was meant to be a musical, where was the music? And it it was meant to be spoof of sixties romances, then why was there all the gay/lebianism/cross dressing? I didn't get it - 3, don't bother watching this.

In a pastel world of sixties Americania, the cops are called out to investigate the murder of a girl at a drive-in-movie. One of the girls makes friends with the surfer-dudes on the beach but her multiple personalities and blackouts makes her the prime suspect. After they discover that a movie star has moved in to the haunted house on the beach and perform a seance, inevitably, everyone becomes the suspect. With some poor story development, all is apparently revealed at the beach party, but of course, it's not really. There is always time for a lame twist, and then a lamer two or three or more.

Psycho Beach Party is based on a play. And while it might make for a frivolous and fun afternoon out for the kids, as a film it just feels, well, pointless. Making it a musical would make it better, making it a horror spoof would help, making it less Hairspray and more like Rocky Horror Picture Show would help. Sadly, it's a pale film of it could be.

Day Of The Dead (1)

This is going to be a short review for the simple reason that it was too awful to watch. It rates a 1 - unwatchable. I don't know what happens in the end because I can guess, and I've got better things to do like getting to know my blender.

It is the expected story - army seals off a town where everyone is turning into zombies. Its the expected characters - cute army chick, cute research doctor (who will, its expected, really be the bad guy), cute family members. But how could they make a film so bad?

What is not expected os the dire acting, of both the heros and, unbelievably, the zombies. I would have never thought that the acting ability of a zombie was worth mentioning, until I discovered that it could actually be done very very badly. The story so is weak that it if there was even one good line in the film, it isn't worth getting to. The make up, the way that the zombies are always in yellow light, screen flicker filming, and even the effects are useless.

This could almost be a comedy if it didn't try to be scary and serious, and its not so unbelievably bad that it goes right around the scale to being good. It is just a waste of DVD plastic and people's time - don't' watch it!

If you want a good blood and guts horror, watch 30 Days Of Night.