Flash Gordon (3)

Forbidden Planet (3)

I was looking forward to this 1956 B-grade sci-fi. Too bad that it turned out to Z-grade and I almost gave up watching it. 3 - don't watch this unless you really have to or are masochistic.

A crew in arrive at the planet Altair-4 to relieve the prospecting party of scientists. But the reception by Dr Morbius is very frosty, "Keep away!". Dr Morbius and is his daughter Altaira, who was born on the planet, are living in comfort but they are the only survivors. All the others were killed by some strange force. Over night, the ships klystron monitor is mysteriously sabotaged and now they can not contact earth for further instructions. A long dead super advanced civilisation called the Krell that used to live on Altair-4 had built a massive machine based on consciousness that can also create and manipulate matter. Including creating monsters from the subconsciousness of Dr Morbius when things are not going his way!

If the story sounds like it is a bit confused, that is because it is. The mission of the crew is either a rescue or relief, the naive Altaira who suddenly starts calling the captain darling is weird, and the mad Dr Morbius who wants to dispense kknowledge but keep it all to himself is just as wacky as the story. The animation special effects of monster and blaster guns, is dire and only just one step above Steam Boat Willie, and then there's also the awful actor interaction. Plus the continuous warbling music and sound effects! The only thing I liked about was the kitschness and the laughably obvious parallels to early Star Trek. Actually, the story has some potential for a much better remake. Probably this film was amazing for its time.

It was a little strange to see Leslie Nielsen as the serious caption, as well as seeing the agent for The Six Million Dollar Man showing Uhura how it's done, including the classic command to "boost the signal". Only watch this is you are into Z grade sci-fi, or want to discover the origins of Robbie The Robot. Actually, I'll tell you so that you don't have watch it, he built by Dr Morbius using Krell technology and has some staggering tech, including matter replication.

X The Unknown (3)

One thing that X The Unknown makes me think about is Y... why watch it? Huge amounts of forgiveness could be given for this 1956 film but honestly, it didn't hold my attention at all. It scores a meagre 3 on the geiger counter.

Dr Royston is studying radioactivity in Scotland which is very handy since the army has found something "strange" in a bog just near by. People are being mysteriously burned by radiation, and when radioactive material is being stolen in even stranger ways, Royston postulates an even stranger explanation. His speech about evolution is way off the weirdness scale, and yet the parents of the dead boy who complain that the is a creator of death were much more eloquent. Eventually they all believe him - that a radioactive mud monster is eating radiation. The army blow up and concrete over the the bog but when you're fighting a mud monster, that is not enough and you need science! Dr Royston to the rescue! He invents a dangerous anti-radiation scanner and makes a trap to kill the mud monster.

This is similar to The Colditz Story where I just can't believe that people behaved and spoke that way. This is meant to be a serious a scary horror but all the time I'm just cringing and am gobsmaked at the characters. Probably it's an image of idealised life, complete with the token Scott in the army called Haggis, and everyone else with plum English who I at first thought were calling him Aggis. Probably they're all just hamming it, probably the science was fine for it time but very little of it was fine for me. Instead of this, watch the much better The Quatermass Xperiment.

The bits I did like were the classic "see people dying from the monsters point of view because the special effects are too hard", and the monster itself - that was good. And there were ashtrays in the hospital.

Psycho Beach Party (3)

I don't get this movie. If was meant to be a comedy, there weren't enough jokes. If it was meant to be a musical, where was the music? And it it was meant to be spoof of sixties romances, then why was there all the gay/lebianism/cross dressing? I didn't get it - 3, don't bother watching this.

In a pastel world of sixties Americania, the cops are called out to investigate the murder of a girl at a drive-in-movie. One of the girls makes friends with the surfer-dudes on the beach but her multiple personalities and blackouts makes her the prime suspect. After they discover that a movie star has moved in to the haunted house on the beach and perform a seance, inevitably, everyone becomes the suspect. With some poor story development, all is apparently revealed at the beach party, but of course, it's not really. There is always time for a lame twist, and then a lamer two or three or more.

Psycho Beach Party is based on a play. And while it might make for a frivolous and fun afternoon out for the kids, as a film it just feels, well, pointless. Making it a musical would make it better, making it a horror spoof would help, making it less Hairspray and more like Rocky Horror Picture Show would help. Sadly, it's a pale film of it could be.

Lions For Lambs (3)

This "Ram-down-your-throat" patriotic film is trying to be inspirational, but it is so full of unsubtle lecturing that it is painful to watch. Only the war scenes stopped from fast forwarding through it - a dismal 3.

Three story lines all hammer to American patriotism and that America must save the world. In one stream, a reporter (Meryl Streep) interviews a slippery politician (Tom Cruise) and it begins to dawn on he is war mad, and she as the media, must do more instead of just being a sock puppet. A lecturer (Robert Redford) brow beats a student who is merely drifting through college to do more - to get politically involved. In the third story line, two of his students are in the army in the Middle East after deciding that they also need to "do more" than just sit back - they wanted to prove their support.

All throughout this film, the "heros" - the reporter, the lecturer, the army buddies - are telling the audience the audience one thing; "Do more! Support your country". Some of the discussions had glimpses of interesting lines, but not often. Just about the only thing lacking from this film was someone saluting with a giant flag fluttering in the background!

The Blob (3)

A long, long time ago I saw a version of The Blob that had me hiding behind the couch in terror - and I loved it. This wasn't that version. If I had seen this version, I probably would have been put off films for life.

Set in very cheesy 1950's roll-n-roll days, Steve McQueen is half of a sickening sweet romancing couple who witness a meteor crash near their town. At the crash site, they find that a homeless man has something stuck to him and rush him to the doctor. The "something" turns out to be an endlessly growing blob and that is hell-bent on consuming the conspicuously perfect American dream little town. The Doctor, and nurse are doomed and eventually after feasting on a movie theatre, the blob does what any American does next, attempts to consume a fast food joint. The hapless heroes are, of course, trapped inside.

I like the idea of a blob monster - something very alien but it is just trying to live and eat, it's not on an intelligent warpath. Yet in this film, everyone and everything was far too clean cut to make it enjoyable - it was cringe inducing just how nice and sweet everyone was. Instead of a horror, it would probably make for a reasonable feel-good Christmas movie - even the red glow of blob is perfect for that. Of course, the little bit of gore and screaming crowds would have to edited out but I think that it may just end up as a better film that way.

Dilemma (3)

I'm not sure why I chose to watch this 1962 film - it was chore. Just about the only thing I liked about was the 60's era stuff, but otherwise it's only a 3 (luckily I had something else to do during it that was more interesting - ironing - that's how bad it was).

A man comes home to learn from their nosey neighbour, that his wife ran out with a scream. He discovers a dead man in his bathroom and in devotion for his wife, proceeds to dig a grave in his living room to hide the body. Inevitably, he is interrupted numerous times and almost discovered by his neighbour, some nuns, a piano tuner and a boy. Meanwhile when the police begin questioning people on an entirely separate matter, the wife involvement is immediately, and disappointingly, obvious, so even the surprise ending is no surprise at all (I hate it when that happens).

It is a simple film with a simple story - a surprised guy is trying to get rid of body but he might get caught. The filming is in crisp black and white, but the cliches are thick and full - the constant interuption during the digging are almost comical, the nosey neighbour is straight the big book of stereotypes and everyone, but the main character, seem to be amateur actors. In fact, the whole thing takes place mostly in one room and this could almost just be a straight filming of their play.

Hairspray (3)

I wanted a momentary escape from reality, something that could my mind on a tiny trip. Unfortunately, this film was so far removed from reality that I could see the edge of the universe from it. A friend I was talking with said that it's pretty good, and most of the time she is right, most of time, just not this time - it's a dismal 3 (I wish I hadn't seen it).

Two school girls, Tracy and her friend Penny, are big fans of the music and dance show hosted by their heartthrob, Corny. Tracy's mother (John Travolta! in make up) won't let Tracy audition for the show, but when she does, she is rejected anyway for not looking good enough. She and Penny begin dancing with the black kids, and since this is 1950's America it is quite a shock to all. Her new dancing style is a hit on the show and Tracy is now one of the dancers. But the show manager (Michelle Pfeiffer) wants her off so that her own daughter will winner the shows award, and she also doesn't want the black kids mixing in the show either, as Tracy wants.

This film began so badly that I almost stopped watching it, but being told it was pretty good, I thought that it would improve. After you get over the shock that this musical and dance film takes place in a world that's seemingly been decorated and filled by people from the McDonald's marketing team, and after you have endured the banal plot introduction, and after you have finished throwing up, things do actually get better... just ever so slightly. Once the racism and the black/white relationships storyline begins, it all improves, but let me stress again, ever so slight. Queen Latifah who has such a great voice, is given wimpy little songs to sing and is not able to let her voice fly. Does Michelle Pfeiffer sing, if she did, it was so bad that my self protection system has blocked the horror from my memory. And John Travolta in heavy make up doing a romantic duet with Christopher Walken!?! Did I miss some in-joke?

Perhaps I was in the wrong mindset for this film, but I definitely know that I was not in the target audience - girls under 10 ears old.

Flight Of The Living Dead (3)

If there is junk out there like this trying to cash in on a current fad, then maybe there is a rash of zombie movies after all. The only reason that I didn't fast forward through this film was because I was waiting for something... something better, but it ever came. It's a 3 (I really shouldn't have watched this - nobody should).

Pick a setting (a plane flying through a storm), a b-grade horror plot (a zombie virus) and cliche characters (a retiring pilot, a nun, a cop, mad scientists et al), add in gore and the acting abilities of a damp sponge, and you have this film. Scientists are transporting dead fellow scientist in a refrigerated trunk on a standard passenger plane. She has died from a mutated malaria virus which can reanimate it's dead host. Flying through a storm, the case open and she begin to turn the passengers into more zombies. Luckily the cop, the air marshal, the guard, all have guns and loads of bullets so begins the zombie-gore-fest-shooting-spree.

There was only one thing that I liked in this film. The comic criminal who began chained to the cop - he was funny. I was hoping that this was a going to be a spoof or comedy, but it's just a lame blood bath that didn't manage to be very funny.

Planet Terror (3)

This horror is exactly what it says on the tin - horrible. This B-movie spoof is worth only a 3 (a joke or two made me smile, but I really want to forget this film).

The story is a classic B-movie horror - a military gas turns most of the nearby people in violent zombie and a small band of survivors team up to beat them. Of course during the struggle the two lover reunite, the daughter and father make up and the two fighting brothers forgive each other. Along the way they shoot, cut, stab, run over, and helicopter mow through the zombies with complete gore and splatter sound effects. There was almost nothing likable about this film... except...

This film is made like a very poor stock - lots of scratches and colour shifts, hairs and flickering. The bit I did like was about half way through, there is a film burn out, a "Missing Reel" notice, then the story continues from some point in the future when people are suddenly all hiding out together and some important events have taken place, but we don't know what happened, only the result. I liked that, it was funny, and it made the film shorter! But if the best part of the film is missing part, then I hardy need to describe how bad the rest is.

High Sierra (3)

I was told by a fan "They don't make films like this anymore" but after seeing it, I can see why they don't make films like this any more. It is just bad; come to think of it, they unfortunately still do make plenty of films like this. It is only a 3 (I watched it all, but it was a very hard thing to do).

A criminal who is released from prison joins a gang to rob a hotel. Roy Earle (Humphrey Bogart) is the tough mean guy who woman transform into soft focus for. In the getaway some of the gang die, and the police find out that it was him who carried out the robbery. Struggling for cash, Earl, his new girlfriend and their dog try to evade the police. In the end, Earl is in a desperate police cash across the Sierra mountains.

The story is simple enough, but there just so many things I didn't like the characters. First of Earl is supposedly shown being nice but all the his doing is helping a family who young daughter he fancies - he must be about 40 plus, she is only 20 but acts 10 (at first I really thought that she was retarded). Sexism is rife throughout out the film, as well some racial stereotyping too that is now just so wrong. Earl is an unkind, and worst of all, an uninteresting character. All the other characters revolve around him so there's next no story to them either.

So why didn't I fast forward trough this film and giving it 2? There were moments of promise and potential. Earl is supposed to be some washed out criminal - there is some reminiscing with the good line "..you twerps, soda jerkers and twitterbugs..." when talking about the young - yet this theme was nothing more than a fleeting whisper. When I resumed watching (yes, I stopped, for two days!) the second half became an interesting "run from the police" storyline, but it still couldn't make up for the dismal first.

Napoleon Dynamite (3)

As the main character, Napoleon Dynamite said, "This is pretty much the worst video ever made", and I'd have to agree. This bumbling pointless mess is only a 3 (I fast forwarded through the extra part bad parts).

Napoleon Dynamite is a gangly angry person with the social skills of computer geek (he'll probably become rich in real life) but at school, he is nerd picked upon. He helps his friend Pedro run for class president, and has to put with his uncle who has come to stay and his brother with his chat room girlfriend. (Still not sure if it really was girl though). At least the dance near the end had me smiling, but the rest of the film was tiresome bore of school and home life. The dysfunctional family of Little Miss Sunshine does it much better.

There's a lot of "straight on" filming, and with the mid 80's setting, it is just not pleasing to see. I wonder if the final ten minutes tacked on after the credits was a last minute attempt to save the movie - sadly, it didn't.

(I've been asked how I watch a film in fast forward; I can still read the subtitles understanding what's going on while fast forwarding at twice the speed, but only endure the pain for half the time. Phew.)

New Zealand 2 (3)

You know those tacky tourist t-shirts that say something like "My Grandparents went to Fiji and all I got was this t-shirt"; The kind you reluctantly wear just once then stuff deep in the bottom of a drawer so that it can be forgotten? This TV program is like that, you forcefully watch it just once and then wish that you could forget it. "New Zealand 2" is only a 3 (I wish I hadn't seen it).

Two travellers record their trip around New Zealand in what is not much a promotional show (thank goodness) but more of a one hour video diary. Of course being part of a film production they get to spend more and have greater access to things that most travellers cant. They start out with the cliches, sheep, Lord of the Rings, before attending some events such as the Hokitika Wild Foods Festival (for some delicacies like huhu grubs, duck tongues, steamed fish eyes and mountain oysters), before finally exploring some scenery, especially the Milford Track.

The filming is poor (what is it with those blurry, grainy shots anyway!?), the banter hackneyed ("The city's nickname is windy Wellington, I'm calling it wet Wellington"), and it doesn't inspire me to visit. The only good news is, that they missed out my favourite place in all of NZ, and I'm not going to tell where it is!

Shrek The Third (3)

What a shame, what a disappointment. I enjoyed the first, the second wasn't bad but this third was exceedingly contrived including the jokes, the music and the story. I can only rate it a 3 (I had force myself to watch it).

Shrek does not want to be the next king of Far Far Away, so he along with Puss and Donkey go off to the find in line, Arther. Yes, they mangled some King Aurthur with Lancelot and Merlin into the plot. Prince Charming wants to be king so he rounds all the other storybook baddies and captures Shrek to kill him. Fiona and her princess friends are on the rescue mission! It has the moral message at the end "don't judge yourself"

This is best watched with your young kids so that at least you could enjoy them enjoying it. Probably the only thing that impressed was the animation - simply stunning. Unfortunately, few jokes made me smile, and often the music jarred. It would be hard, though not inconceivable, to make a forth that is even worse.