First Blood Part 2 (7)

This is the film which from some many cliches were born, and this is film that I remember from my dim youth of Rambo. For both these I actually rather enjoyed it and I am glad that I have watched this again after all these years - 7, its a classic worth watching again.

Rambo's old commander offers Rambo a "get out jail free card" (his exploits in the previous First Blood landed him jail) to go and find prisoners of war in Korea. He goes and finds some, but with one rescued he is abandoned and not picked up a helicopters. It transpires that another commander who is running the command center and controlling the mission did not want to find any prisoners because of the political problems it would cause. Rambo is caught and tortured by the Koreans and Russians but he has only only thing on his mind, revenge on the commander. That is, of course, after he has escaped and killed all the Russians, Koreans and rescued all the prisoners too. This is done in now stereotypical Rambo mode of massive weapons and endless bullets.

Things such as the red bandanna, the staggered speech and the gratuitous used of oversized weaponary (like carrying around the helicopter machine gun) are all now cliches copied (Terminator) or parodied (Hot Shots). And you knew that just as soon as he said "yes" to the woman to take back to America, that she was doomed to die. But it was good to see all this - the original before they became common and cliched.

One thing that is particularly obvious compared to the first film First Blood, is that this is a much bigger budget with bigger and better action - the helicopter fight was impressive from the very start of taking control of it, to destroying the prison camp to the dog fight in the sky. Unlike the first there is no moral message at all; this is pure action and explosive fun.

First Blood (5)

Was this the first of the Rambo series? I think it was; Stallone looks so young he is what, 10? This film rates half that, 5 - watchable after all.

Rambo is a Vietnam vet travelling looking for an old war buddy when a local cop begins harassing him. He runs from them and so they decide to hunt him down. However, in the nearby forest all his army skills are put to use and he quickly "disables" the small team. But of them dies in an accidental fall which further infuriates the cops. They call out the national guard and a big hunt begins. Rambo's old commander is brought in to try and talk him into stopping, but Rambo is trained to survive and kill. By skill and luck Rambo evades all of them begins to hunt the sheriff for himself.

I had never seen this film before but I knew of the myth of Rambo from later films as a one man super army. Some of that is seen here but also shown is that he is a pretty screwed up veteran who no longer fits into normal society. This is not the action packed war mayhem of the latest Rambo, there is weak action, but where it is better is the touches of his madness and struggle with the world outside the war. The film quality is a bit poor but satisfyingly, the story isn't too bad and it all makes a reasonable film.

And before you say it, I know he's not 10!

X The Unknown (3)

One thing that X The Unknown makes me think about is Y... why watch it? Huge amounts of forgiveness could be given for this 1956 film but honestly, it didn't hold my attention at all. It scores a meagre 3 on the geiger counter.

Dr Royston is studying radioactivity in Scotland which is very handy since the army has found something "strange" in a bog just near by. People are being mysteriously burned by radiation, and when radioactive material is being stolen in even stranger ways, Royston postulates an even stranger explanation. His speech about evolution is way off the weirdness scale, and yet the parents of the dead boy who complain that the is a creator of death were much more eloquent. Eventually they all believe him - that a radioactive mud monster is eating radiation. The army blow up and concrete over the the bog but when you're fighting a mud monster, that is not enough and you need science! Dr Royston to the rescue! He invents a dangerous anti-radiation scanner and makes a trap to kill the mud monster.

This is similar to The Colditz Story where I just can't believe that people behaved and spoke that way. This is meant to be a serious a scary horror but all the time I'm just cringing and am gobsmaked at the characters. Probably it's an image of idealised life, complete with the token Scott in the army called Haggis, and everyone else with plum English who I at first thought were calling him Aggis. Probably they're all just hamming it, probably the science was fine for it time but very little of it was fine for me. Instead of this, watch the much better The Quatermass Xperiment.

The bits I did like were the classic "see people dying from the monsters point of view because the special effects are too hard", and the monster itself - that was good. And there were ashtrays in the hospital.

Kung Fu Panda (4)

This animation is strictly for kids, there are no in-jokes or plots for adults so unless you have kids and must endure this, give it a miss. A poor 4.

Set in China, a panda (I didn't take notice of the characters names because... well, it was a bit too painful) dreams of becoming a kung-fu master. But he is a clumsy fat unfit stumbling fool so it is a surprise when then the current master selects him as the dragon master. At first, the kung-fu trainer and other students make life hard for the panda in the hope that he will give up. Ultimately, when their enemy, a tiger, has escaped prison and it is discovered that the panda can be motivated and trained with food, they team together to fight the tiger. When the tiger has defeated all but the panda, the panda steps up with his unorthodox kung-fu to beat the tiger.

The first few minutes I enjoyed - it was over the top narrative and old-school flat animation instead of today's 3D computer stuff. I thought "Hey, this is going to be a laugh", but it was just a dream. Then it went into the story proper and it became a nightmare. The story is so simple that the writers stumbling attempt at getting some moral messages weaved in was a mess. Unlike better animations that parents can enjoy along with their children, this would only appeal to five year olds, and only to boys because of all the fighting and action. So if you must endure it with your kids, make sure you take along a book for you read.

I have since been corrected, young girls do like this film - there are strong lead female characters that are not the standard whimpering "save me" type.

Cloverfield (7)

Yes, this is a title frame of the film - its of a home film now owned by the armed forces.

This is a documentary like, home movie amateur shaky filming horror. Like Blair Witch Porject, I guess (I've not seen it). But don't be put off, it is surprisingly good, a definitely enjoyable 7.

While a bunch of 20-somethings are filming the farewell arty for their Rob rob, Manhattan is attacked by a Godzilla-like monster. The ensueing running and stumbling and dodging and searching and rescuing friends and handy-cam filming make up the rest of the film. There is no explanation for the monster; this is simply a story about a small group of friends who try to flee the terror and escape Manhattan while the ared forces try to deal with the monster. As the city gets more and destroyed, they run and get terrifyingly close the to the beast. That's pretty much it... except...

except... that it is actually quite a jump inducing, gripping horror. Perhaps because of the empathy of the helpless main characters is so well built up, perhaps because there is no pseudo-scientific poor explanation foisted upon it, and also perhaps because of it's rough real-world handy cam filming, it is a "believable". But the thing that it lacked, the main thing, was something for me to ponder - it's an action and thrill but it's also a no brainer.

Some of the things I find that I miss is at least some steady cinematic shots and at least a little climatic musical score (the only bit is at the closing credits). That's a shame because it is pretty good, but perhaps the handy-cam realism got in my way a bit too much.

Rambo (6)

Were all Rambo films like this 2008 new one - a do-good too-good guy goes berserk with a bazooka and bullets? I think that they might have been. And the old formula is carried out surprisingly well in this film, 6 - it picked once the action really began.

John Rambo is living near Burma, hiding from the world and is hired by a bunch of stupidly naive christen to smuggle them into Burma to bring in medial help. A civil war there where a despotic warlord kills people for sport is what the land they go up river into. Days latter Rambo is hired to join a group of mercenaries to go and rescue them because, well, the village they were in was massacred and they were captured. That's the first half of the movie. Everything after that, is war action with Rambo doing what Rambo does, scream and kill everyone one.

The rest of the film, is fairly gruesome bloody battles. But also, in a strange way that gruesome shouldn't really be, exciting. The action, and nothing else, is what makes this film work. Everything else, is awful drivel. Such silly things such as the medics preaching, and one having been there before being so naive is very off putting. The bad war lord being made extra bad by being a paedophile too, the almost comic collection of mercenaries and Rambo's soliloquies that made me clench my teeth in piteful pain ("You didn't kill for your country, you killed for youself" etc) also made me stop watching the film!

If you don't like blood and guts and war, or if you want an interesting plot and characters, then stay well away from this film! If you want "junk cinema" for a rainy day that wont tax your brain at all, then this is it.

Mark your diary

Something that many many films do, is predict the future. So here is the future awaits us.

2008-04-03

The Reaper Virus starts killing most people in Scotland. By June Scotland is walled off from the rest of the world and everyone left to die. The remaining survivors turn into Mad Max or renaissance medieval castle dwellers. So no change then ;) From Doomsday.

2200
In the final decade of the 21st century, men and women in rocket ships landed on the moon. By 2200 AD, they had reached the other planets of our solar system. Almost at once there followed the discovery of hyperdrive through which the speed of light was first attained and latter greatly surpassed. And so at last mankind began the conquest and colonisation of deep space. From Forbidden Planet.

One that that will really annoy space travellers who have been travelling for years and decades... is being passed by faster than light travellers!

2309-03-16
Robbie The Robot is welcomed by people at the Chicago Space Port. Dr Greenhill of the Stoneman Institute Of Mathematics made a time machine and saw this, but nobody believed him because he went mad. Wait around 300 or so years and we'll see. From The Invisible Boy.

The Invisible Boy (5)

I'm a bit confused because on the DVD was printed the title The Forbidden Planet, but when it began, it turned out to the The Invisible Boy. I grew up watching Disneyland-ish B-scifi-horror and I hoped that this would be of that ilk. Probably this was one of them - a film for young kids who are into computers, space, robots would love this, I can see that I would have loved it. It's a 5, but really only for nostalgic reasons.

In the space age of the late fifties, cars had fins and unbelievably spongy suspension, moms wore makeup for dinner and dads taught their sons maths. But this kids father was a scientist who let the "most powerful computer in the universe" teach his son. The kid learned to fix the Robbie The Robot and after some childish hijinks (the lowest part of the film including invisibility) the story really develops. The computer reprograms Robbie, to help it get into the safety of space aboard a rocket. The computer has also been lying and making itself so smart, that it has become sentient and is fighting for survival of itself, by implanting controllers into humans. It must be stopped!

Luckily for humanity, Robbie The Robot cares too much for the kid and can't torture him to make his father give the computer control of atomic power. After some reprogramming, Robbie is back to normal, and the family is reunited and the computer conquered.

This is a classic. Of course the effects are bad, the story at times childish and the science unbelievable, but the charm and naivety are the best part. And just think, in 50 years time we'll back on the Terminator and Matrix in the same way. Wonderful, I can't wait for it.

Psycho Beach Party (3)

I don't get this movie. If was meant to be a comedy, there weren't enough jokes. If it was meant to be a musical, where was the music? And it it was meant to be spoof of sixties romances, then why was there all the gay/lebianism/cross dressing? I didn't get it - 3, don't bother watching this.

In a pastel world of sixties Americania, the cops are called out to investigate the murder of a girl at a drive-in-movie. One of the girls makes friends with the surfer-dudes on the beach but her multiple personalities and blackouts makes her the prime suspect. After they discover that a movie star has moved in to the haunted house on the beach and perform a seance, inevitably, everyone becomes the suspect. With some poor story development, all is apparently revealed at the beach party, but of course, it's not really. There is always time for a lame twist, and then a lamer two or three or more.

Psycho Beach Party is based on a play. And while it might make for a frivolous and fun afternoon out for the kids, as a film it just feels, well, pointless. Making it a musical would make it better, making it a horror spoof would help, making it less Hairspray and more like Rocky Horror Picture Show would help. Sadly, it's a pale film of it could be.

Day Of The Dead (1)

This is going to be a short review for the simple reason that it was too awful to watch. It rates a 1 - unwatchable. I don't know what happens in the end because I can guess, and I've got better things to do like getting to know my blender.

It is the expected story - army seals off a town where everyone is turning into zombies. Its the expected characters - cute army chick, cute research doctor (who will, its expected, really be the bad guy), cute family members. But how could they make a film so bad?

What is not expected os the dire acting, of both the heros and, unbelievably, the zombies. I would have never thought that the acting ability of a zombie was worth mentioning, until I discovered that it could actually be done very very badly. The story so is weak that it if there was even one good line in the film, it isn't worth getting to. The make up, the way that the zombies are always in yellow light, screen flicker filming, and even the effects are useless.

This could almost be a comedy if it didn't try to be scary and serious, and its not so unbelievably bad that it goes right around the scale to being good. It is just a waste of DVD plastic and people's time - don't' watch it!

If you want a good blood and guts horror, watch 30 Days Of Night.